Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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