so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
