he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
