My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
