I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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