Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
