Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
