FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
