Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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