Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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