I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
