Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
