I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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