The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
