I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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