It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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