I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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