i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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