I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
