Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
