You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
