my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
