non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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