Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
