Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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