Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
