If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
