Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
