dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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