I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
