Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
