I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
