Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
