so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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