omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
