If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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