Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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