He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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