i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
