the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
