I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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