yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
