i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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