so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
