don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
