i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
