my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
