I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
True strength comes from lack of pants
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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