I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
