I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
ttyl tear gas
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
