you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
why do cheetos always look like penises
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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